Perks Of Being Anonymous
by Love Always Marisol
Summary: Dear Friend, Charlie was right. Nobody listens. But you do. So I've decided to write to you, because I need someone to talk to. You won't write back, but I'm glad that you're reading. You helped Charlie, so I'm hoping you can help me. I changed my name so you'll never know it or where I am, but you'll know about me. I hope that's okay. Love Always, Marisol
1. June 29 2013

June 29, 2013

Dear Friend,

Hi. It's nice to meet you, I think. I can't be sure, I guess because I don't really know you. I'm going to write you these letters, a lot. Summer just started and my friends are too busy to have an actual conversation with me. Lately, we can only get passed the first few messages before the conversation dies.

You see, I got the idea to write these letters from a book called The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was made into a movie starring one of my favorite actors, Logan Lerman. He plays a high school freshman who writes letters that start with "Dear Friend," like these do. He changes everyone's names so he can't be found, finishing the letters with "Love Always, Charlie" so I'm going to do that too. You'll never know my name and you'll never find me, but you'll learn about me. I hope that's okay with you. Charlie, that's what he changed his name to, is from over twenty years ago. His letters are from 1991 to 1992. Mine are from 2013 to whenever I can't write them anymore. You won't know my real name, so you can call me Marisol.

I'm not doing much right now, but I feel very lonely, and so very tired. I'm tired of feeling so lonely. So I'm glad I can talk, well write, to you. It's very early in the morning, as in two hours ago it was yesterday. I'm lonely, I'm tired, I'm sleepy, and someone just texted me.

Earlier, as in at 11:12pm, I texted my friend. She texted my back two minutes ago at 1:08am. I had texted her to call me. Her response: it's too late now :c

She's always so spacey but I like her, she's a good friend when it counts. Let's call her Vic.

I asked her what she wanted to be called and she chose Vic. So, she's Vic. It's a guy's name and I'm not too fond of it, but it is her choice and I don't like to make them feel the way I usually do.

Now that I'm alone, almost every day until school starts again, I usually feel really empty. Alone, tired, and numb. That's me.

Vic feels sick. She says she's dehydrated and ugh. My eyes hurt. The eye lashes are soft though. I like that.

In September I, unlike Charlie, won't be starting my freshman year of college. I just wrote college by accident. Let me try again. I, unlike Charlie, won't be starting my freshman year of high school. I'll be starting my sophomore year of high school.

Vic will be starting her junior year. We met at cheerleading tryouts in, I think, November. One day, after that day, we just stated talking a lot and we became really close friends.

My older brother David just came in and told me to go to sleep soon. He always tells me what to do. He's seventeen. He recently got a job a McDonalds somewhere. We live in Flushing, Queens.

I have another brother, he's three right now. We can call him Frances. I don't like either of my brothers much. I'm fourteen right now. I'll turn fifteen in the fall. I want to have a sweet sixteen, even though a quinceanera would be traditional with my Hispanic background.

I'm supposed to go see a movie with my friend Lily, we plan to go see Despicable Me 2. I'm not so lonely when she's around. She's sarcastic and she's a rough and tumble kind of girl, but she's funny, sweet, smart, helpful, head strong, and a lot of other great things. Waiting until Wednesday to see her won't be fun. I don't like being so lonely. I usually spend all of my time in my room. But now I have something to look forward to. I like going over to see her. She lives in a really nice house. It feels like a home. Her grandparents live with her, her parents, and her two brothers. Well, her two brothers share a room but they're 19 and 22 so I don't know if they live there.

My home … my house is a small, two bedroom apartment. My parents split the living room in two and they sleep on one side, divided by wooden screens. My older brother took the master bedroom. I got the room that looks out onto the courtyard. It's smaller and cramped but I like it because I can talk to my friends through the window when they're outside and I'm stuck inside.

I don't feel well, so I'm going to text Vic a bit more then go to sleep. I'll write more soon.

Love Always,

Marisol


	2. July 1 2013

July 1, 2013

Dear Friend,

Lily saw the first letter by accident. It was my fault, but she said she won't keep reading if it bothers me. She's a good friend like that. Nobody else I know has seen the letter, and I guess I'm okay with her knowing. She doesn't judge. Unless she doesn't like you. She said it's like that commercial, "Chef don't judge. Except Lily don't judge (unless I don't like you and you piss me off, then I judge)".

I won't see Lily until tomorrow or Friday, because our movie plans fell through. She has stuff to do on Wednesday, but she forgot until the day I wrote my first letter. We might do something tomorrow, a concert we want to go to. My dad is trying to get me and her in because he works at the place, and it happens to be our favorite band, but I don't know if he can. He always pulls through when things matter, but he has let me down before. Like when he left. He came back, but it still hurt.

I haven't spoken to Vic since that night, but I don't mind. We don't have too much in common. She likes talking all about the guy she likes, or saying random words she thinks are funny but are just inappropriate. We don't actually have much in common on a daily basis, but when we hang out we do stuff that we have in common and like so we can entertain ourselves for a few hours. She always pays more attention to her phone than me, though, and it's kind of depressing.

I'm nervous about tomorrow's concert. If we go, there's a chance, a very small chance, that we could meet out idols. More importantly, I want to do this for Lily. Sure, I gain from it to, but this is mainly a present for her. I'm a difficult person to put up with, something I see with my family, and yet she's been my best friend since August 29, 2012. We met at our high school orientation and she was really shy and quiet. So was I, but we both opened up pretty quickly and I think we fit well together. We're really similar personality wise, and that can lead to some … opinionated disagreements. They don't bother us though, and she's really care free. And feisty…

If we don't make the concert tomorrow, I guess we'll just go see Despicable Me 2 on Friday.

I don't know what I'm doing for the 4th of July, and I actually don't think my family has made any plans this year. So I guess I'm going to be in my room waiting for my phone to ring with a text. That's kind of what I usually do, as pathetic as that sounds. I have deadlines for July 4th, 5th, 10th, 14th, and 17th, though. So I have a lot of writing to do.

Right now I'm sitting in the living room on the computer and I'm texting Lily, but I feel kind of empty. Sure, texting her is good, but you still feel a little lonely when you can't see that person right in front of you. I wish my parents would let me go out and see my friends more often, so that my friends don't forget me, but I only get to see my friends outside of school two or three times a month. I try to blame them for being protective and suffocating, but they're just too busy to do anything with me or let me go do anything with my friends.

Then there's also their overbearing, suffocating, protectiveness. And when I try to get them to loosen up they yell at me and tell me I should be grateful to have parents who care so much instead of parents who let their kids do whatever and don't care if their kids are robbed attacked raped or killed.

I make a lot of friends online, something my mom has told me to stop doing, but really they happen to be some of my closest friends. It's weird, because when I simply talk to them I don't feel the emptiness I feel when I text Vic or Lily. I guess it's because I'll only ever get to text them, so there isn't anything to feel empty about.

Somehow, the friends I make online (four girls and two guys) seem more real to me than the friends I can actually see. Except for Lily anyway. Lily's always an exception to most things. Anyway, yeah. I feel like the friends I make online are easier to be honest with, maybe because I can't see the judgment on their faces.

My little brother is watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and I think it's funny how the turtles are named after four of the greatest men from the classical world. It's amazing how the past can be used in the present, don't you think?

I'm texting Lily and a girl I met online that lives in another state. She writes stories like I do, and one of her characters are named Kayla so let's call her Kayla.

She's obsessed with things like Guardians as in Jack Frost, Santa, the Toothfairy, the Easter Bunny, and the Sandman. Oh and the boogeyman. I like the stories too, especially after I saw how attractive the Rise of the Guardians Jack Frost animation was.

My little brother is playing with my dad, and I feel kind of sad. He's their baby, their little boy who needs all of their attention. My older brother is their golden child, with his straight A's and his paying job and all. Me? I'm the middle child who only gets attention when she does something wrong. So obviously I'm the troublemaker child.

My parents are so busy "breaking their backs to give us the things we need" that they don't stop to give us the things we really need. I need their attention. Maybe then we'd all actually like each other. My brothers and I argue. My parents and I argue. They all argue with me. They get along just fine with each other, though. Maybe if I hadn't been born, or hadn't stuck around here, they'd all be happier. No extra mouth to feed, no extra school tuition fees, no annoying child, just them.

I never tell them how lonely I feel, because then they'd ask why. How could you tell your parents you make me feel like the outcast in this family and that's why I always feel so alone without getting hit or yelled at or grounded?

I was being myself in front of my mother yesterday, by play fighting with Frances and goofing off, and she came over, glared, lowered her voice, and said, "You're embarrassing me."

That made me feel somuch better about who I really am.

My neighbors, that are my age, are my friends. Guess what? They're all leaving. Two are already gone, one at summer camp and the other on a cruise. Then two others, sisters, are going to Florida with their family for a month starting August 1st. Then I'm left with just one friend, who I'm not as close too. Safe to say I'll be spending most of my summer locked in my room.

I should probably start writing about happier thoughts because all of this negative stuff is hurting me again. It makes my head hurt, and it makes parts of me throb painfully like my right hand is doing right now. It's starting in my right shoulder blade now.

Lily and Kayla have left me to radio silence, and I'm waiting for my phone to start blinking again.

I think I'm going to do some reading. Here are some of my favorite books and series'.

The Percy Jackson & the Olympians Series by Rick Riordan. That series has five main books and three side books. He tweeted me too, it was the best day of my life.

The Heroes of Olympus Series by Rick Riordan. So far there are three books, and the fourth one comes out on October 8th, 2013. That's ten days before my 15th birthday and my aunt said she might give it to me on the day it comes out as my early birthday gift.

The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling. Seven books there.

The Kane Chronicles by Rick Riordan. Three books and a side book.

The Ranger's Apprentice Series by John Flannagan. That has I think eleven books.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.

The Book Thief by Markus Zusak.

The Guardians of Childhood by William Joyce. There are a lot of books in that series and books that tie in with it.

I have a lot more of favorites but there's too many to list. Maybe I'll share more with you later.

My aunts and cousins are my favorite people in my family most of the time because I hang out with them the most.

My mom's sister, and my dad's youngest sister, are my favorite. My mom's sister is Tia Pegasus. We called her Pegasus when we were younger because her son made up the nickname so it stuck. She's a lot like a Pegasus too so its fitting, if you ask me. She had my cousin Jason when she was 17, like another of my aunts did. She didn't marry his dad, because his dad did bad things. She married her husband in June, 2009, and in December they had a little girl, my cousin's half-sister. It's really weird because my entire family has been Hispanic, but now the little girl, let's call her Annie, is Hispanic, Irish (I think), and Chinese. I don't have a problem with it, but it's a weird mix, don't you think?

My next aunt has two children, one is twenty five and the other is eighteen. I hang out with the girl more, she's eighteen, but the guy is really fun. We pass around a ball together and we get really competitive to see who can bounce it longer without dropping it. He's really fit and I like to tease him by satying I could beat his record of bouncing the volleyball. Let's call him Richard. Let's call her Violet. I sleep over at Violet;s house a lot because she's one of my favorite cousins. Their mom is going to be called Maggie.

Maggie is really sweet and fun like Pegasus. I put Tia before both names when I talk to them because Tia is Spanish for aunt. It's really weird for me when people say aunt because I'm so used to hearing it in Spanish.

I'm supposed to sleep over soon, and see them soon too. I'm really excited for that, but I still have my deadlines so I have to go get writing.

My dad is taking the computer away from me now because he wants my little brother to play ABC Mouse. I don't much like that game, and I don't much like having to give up things for my spoiled little brother to get his way, but I don't exactly have a choice. I never really do, not until I'm eighteen.

I'll write more later.

Love Always,

Marisol


	3. July 7 2013

July 7, 2013

Dear Friend,

Guess what, Lily and I went to a One Direction concert on Tuesday, July 2, 2013. It was the best night of my life for four reasons.

First, Lily was with me.

Second, I got to see One Direction in concert, and so they seem life more of a reality now than just people I fantasize about.

Third, Harry Styles waved at me.

Fourth, my dad, a stagehand that worked the concert, gave me Niall Horan's guitar pick.

Basically, the two to three hours I spent at that concert were the best hours of my life and I'm still not over it. Lily was really greatful that I took her, and in a way it was her birthday gift because her birthday is on August 4th. Ironically enough, she got seat for of row four, in section 121. We were close to the stage, the boys being about fifty to seventy five feet away. Considering how big Izod Center was, that was really close and either way, when it comes to a One Direction concert, no seat is a bad seat. Five Seconds of Summer opened for the boys and they were actually really good.

That Luke Hemmings guy from 5SoS was kind of cute, if you ask me.

That Calum guy kept waving at someone in section 120, and I think he may have fancied one of the girls in that section. How cute!

My throat hurt from all the screaming and cheering and shouting lyrics from One Direction's performance, and my vice was raspy and cracky for a few days after. I spent some nights at my cousin's house in Staten Island for a few days from July 4th to earleir today. It was pretty fun and she's one of my favorite cousins, and she's 18. I mentioned her in that last letter.

My aunt dropped me off at home today at about 11:20a.m. and guess what, _nobody was home_. Typical.

My older brother was at work and my parents went to church with my younger brother, which is really inconsiderate since we called ahead to tell them I was coming home and that I was running a fever. I'd gotten sick yesterday, my throat burning and my head feeling like there was painful goo between my skull and brain just swishing around. I'd been running the fever since late last night, and it only went down because I took some tylenol and some other not so pleasent pills, motrine I think. It should be back by tonight, because I can already feel that painful goo in my head and my throat is hurting again. My family have all the ACs on, which isn't helping my throat or my fever.

Nobody's even taken care of me, even though I was left alone in the heat for a half hour with a fever, and I've nearly fainted once or twice today, yet I'm still being forced to watch my little brother and do chores and all that. How inconsiderate of my parents. I should be resting in bed, don't you think?

I'm going to Lily's house on Wednsday, I wanted to sleep over from Tuesday to Wednsday but my parents think everyone out there that isn't family is going to rape me or kill me or hurt me or something if I slept over for one night. They keep telling me all of those bad people are out there, and I know that, but not everyone is bad and I don't hang out with bad people, and I trust Lily and her family. So of course this lack of freedom might result in abuse of freedom when I'm eighteen and legally allowed to leave the apartment whenever I please. Whatever, iot's theior fault for smothering me. They're so controlling and protective. I get that they care and want me safe, but taking away almost all of my freedom is not caring. It's suffocating. There's such a thing as caring too much, and they've got it down pat.

I wonder if they'll hate me when I ruin my life, because really they say I have to go to college and get a job and be successful, but what if I don't want to? I do, but when I'm eighteen I'm going to enjoy telling them I'm quitting college (not that I really would) to give them a heart attack of sorts. Either way, I won't be as successful as my older brother. I've always been his academic shadow so he's their golden boy.

I'm going to do a lot when they no longer have legal control over me, most of it just to piss them off. This is what happens when you suffocate your kids and take away their freedom. They learn to resent you for it. Really, it's your own fault for being so annoying and suffocating and warden-like.

I want you to know that I'm only telling you the truth because I trust you, and I'm signing these under Marisol because if my parents found these letters they'd probably get really mad that I'm letting people know about our 'Private' at home life. It's only private because they don't want people to know about their dariker sides. I can write more about that later. Maybe tomorrow. I think I'd like to tell you about that, I was talking with my cousin about it yesterday and if my parents knew I told her the things they used to do, they'd get really mad. Really, really mad.

I'm tired, and my head hurts, and I'm coughing so I'm going to eat my lunch then go take a nap. I hope I wake up feeling better. I don't get sick often, maybe two or three times a year, but when I do I get really cranky and spiteful or whatever. I'll write more to you when I can.

Love Always,

Marisol


	4. July 8 2013

July 8, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today was pretty eventful. I went outside and hung out with the guys that live in my courtyard and one of their friends. There was a total of six of us. They're all younger than me, but we grew up together.

There's Ethan, who is a little less than a year younger than me. He used to have blonde hair, and I'd call him Blondie, but his hair got darker over the years so now its brown. I still call him Blondie though, just because it's an old habit. He's taller than me by like a head, and he's thin but he's fit. He plays sports and rides his bike a lot, so that's why. Next there's Frost, who is two years younger than me. He's Indian I think, and he's got the dark skin to show it. He's got glasses and he's shorter than me, but he's a good enough friend. Next there's Dumb and Dumber, two annoying kids we aren't too fond of. They're three years younger than me, or four. I'm not sure, I don't pay them much attention. Dumb likes to steal our stuff, claiming it's his. Dumber just annoys us.

Then there's Jack, who is friends with Ethan and Frost and I. He's in Frost's grade, and he goes to the same school as Ethan, Frost, and Dumb. I used to go to the school but I graduated in the summer of 2012 and went to high school. I'll graduate high school in 2016 if I pass all my grades – which I always do.

So anyway, I went outside today and I hung out with them. We rode our bikes and played manhunt and just goofed off. I get along with everyone well enough, Ethan knowing me best even if he isn't exactly happy about it. Then another kid whose at summer camp right n0w, then Frost. Those are just the guys. Some girls our age live here too and they're our best friends too but they don't come out much lately, and they'll be going to Florida soon.

Anyway, we were out for about five or six hours, just enjoying ourselves and hanging out, nothing bad. We played manhunt and I was with Ethan and Frost. Ethan led us to a hallway and ran off, causing a distraction. About fifteen minutes later Frost and I decided to go look for him, even though I wanted to stay put because I knew he'd come back for us, and when Frost was edging toward the open space I looked back and saw Ethan and I was so relieved I would have hugged him but he was sweaty and gross from all the running he did. Of course, we won manhunt. I may have a tiny crush on him but eh we're a complicated pair. We're strange that way that I can't even explain quite how we work, but we just do.

So then at around six thirty my parents wanted me to come inside, but I didn't listen because why go lock myself back in my room when I could be out riding my bike, running around, getting excercise, and being happy?

Finally at eight they came out and forced me to go inside, but I gave in because the others were going home. My parents got mad, saying I should have been home when they told me to be so I could watch my brother and stuff, but why? When I do, we just argue and he screams like he's being murdered and I just don't care. Plus, I spent a good hour and a half forcing him on my friends just so he could feel happy, even though none of them like him. He crashed his tricycle into Frost's leg and Frost got hurt, finally saying Frances was getting to be overly annoying. My response?

I live with that. Trust me, I know.

So really, I was having a great day today, until my parents ruined it. Everytime I go outside, they let Frances come with me or else he screams and cries and throws his fits. He goes out and he gets in the way of my friends' games, and he takes their things saying he won't let them play, and he just makes all of our fun die because he wants things his way when he can't even play sports yet. Then if he has to go inside, usually I have to go too so he doesn't have a fit about me being out there when he can't be.

My parents force me to force Frances upon my friends, just so he feels involved and wanted when really all anyone ever wanted was for him not to be involved_._ I feel like the more he bothers them, the more my friends won't want me around because they know he tags along.

My parents don't mind ruining my life if it makes Frances happy, ya know? And they say they don't play favorites. They probably don't, but I know they play importance. Obviously, he's more important than the kid that came before him.

On the upside, at least I have a bike and I have friends and at least they're close by.

So … I feel gross and sweaty and I have like eleven story chapters to write by the tenth. I'm just gonna to take a shower than get started on that. I'll write to you again soon.

Love Always,

Marisol


	5. July 10 2013

July 10, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today was somewhat eventful. Until two minutes ago when the older brother shoved me into a wall because I was "acting like a three year old."

See, today I went outside and hung out with the guys, hit some stupid boy who hit me back, not that it bothered me, and was bought a drink by a friend of mine. Then I get inside and decide yeah I have a huge deadline and less than five and a half hours to meet it so I might as well start now. Then we had pizza, and we ate. I wrote more, and then I went to get myself an icy.

Stupid Frances decides, hey, I want that because you got it first and it's a flavor I like anyway so why not.

Of course, I'm not around to please him when I wish he was never born, so of course I "act like a three year old" and refuse to give him my icy. I even dump some of it down the drain. He screams and cries and jumps for it and so then older brother comes in and takes my icy, shoves me into a wall, gives Frances the icy, and shoves me out of the kitchen asking (shouting) why I'm being so childish and acting like I'm three.

I don't answer, still hurt from the shove, and I just go back to the computer wordlessly. Then older brother goes off and makes sure Frances is okay, making sure he's comfy with his pillows on the couch, making sure he likes his icy )my icy), and putting on Frances' show. He leaves, and two seconds later he peeks his head into the doorway of the living room, right next to me and the computer, and sternly (oh ho ho he can be stern) tells me one thing before disappearing into his room again.

"I don't wanna hear him cry, Marisol, alright? Just don't talk to him."

Hello, I hate the fact that either of my brothers and I exist in the same family. I hate that I have to deal with Frances every damn day. I hate that there's now this burning feeling where he shoved me, and this feeling that I want to start crying because I'm so frustrated right now. I hate how Frances if off laughing at his show while older brother is off playing his stupid video games while I'm stuck with the angry thoughts and the teary eyes and nobody to help me but you, Friend.

I hate how I know that if I didn't exist everything would be so much better for my family.

I have this picture on my phone and its all words, and it says:

You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else's movie.

Consider this: [nothing would be the same if you did not exist.] Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you.

We are all connected, and we are all affected by the decisions and even the existence of those around us.

Someone put the brackets around nothing would be the same if you did not exist. and that was the whole point of them putting the picture online, but it bothers me. Everything would be different, but in some cases (like mine), everything would be better.

Someone asked me about the book that inspired me to write these letters.

I remember mentioning the book and the movie to you, The Perks of Being A Wallflower, and I think its time to do a little comparison.

The book was amazing, the letters making me feel a little bit better about life. I mean, here is some guy who just really needs someone to talk to, like me, and so he comes up with this great idea of writing letters to someone as a way of helping himself kind of look at his problems and let go of some of the stress they cause him. Here is he, trusting us with what happens in his life and letting us know, calling us his friend just because we listen. If Charlie was real, I'd want nothing more than to be his friend the way I am when I read his letters. I get how he feels just by how he writes the letters. When he starts, his writing isn't really developed, right? We see how even in the way he writes he's kind of awkward about it, but the more time passes, we see him get the hang of things. That helps me, because maybe I can get the hang of things too.

The movie made me cry. A lot.

I love seeing Logan Lerman on the screen, and I wish we were friends in real life, but I think the movie needs a little improvement even though it happens to be one of my favorite movies to ever be made. Why? Because we get to see the parties, we get to see their faces and hear their voices. We get to feel for them, when they're sad or hurt. We get the from the letters too, but sometimes it just seems to be words on a page. Your own voice in your head, reading them instead of his voice speaking them. I loved seeing the actors take on new personalities too, and seeing them interact with each other.

But the movie is still lacking a bit of Charlie's awkwardness. More in the beginning, he just doesn't have that Charlie-ness about him. I'm not sure I can really explain it, so I think I'm going to reread the book then watch the movie again and get back to you on that one.

I'd like to tell you some more about earlier, the sun shiny parts of the day, but I have to write some story chapters because today is the deadline.

I hope you're doing good, Friend. I don't want to have to push my problems on you if you've got problems of your own you need help with. I'll write more when I can, and I hope that's soon.

Love Always,

Marisol


	6. July 12 2013 July 13 2013

July 13, 2013

Dear Friend,

Yesterday I went to Lily's house and we watched TV and talked before we watched a movie at the theater. In total we had ninety dollars and we spent all of it, almost. We went to the movies and we spent about half of the money there, then we went to Barnes and Nobles and spent the rest there. We saw Monsters University and I really liked it, but it was the second time Lily was seeing it because she already saw it once with friends. That made me sad a little because I like to watch a movie and have it be the first time we all saw it. But then I got really into the movie, Mike was so cute as a kid!

I loved the movie, and we went to Barnes and Nobles right after because it was in the same area just on the other side of the block. We both got our own copies of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, except hers was the original cover mine was the movie cover. I've read Perks before, but it was a copy in my school library. That was months ago and so I reread the whole book last night and I was finally done at almost six in the morning but that was okay because when I buy a book I can't stop reading it for anything until I finish it so usually I stay up until sun rise, reading the new book. The sun rose too around five and so that was nice. Lily and I also bought journals, but hers was a dollar more, which surprised me because mine was bigger and it had a hard cover and a spiral while hers was soft and not a spiral.

Anyway, we went back to her place afterwards and I wrote in the spiral. The cover has a picture of flowers, shot on the ground because the flowers seem like they're touching the sky. On the cover it says: To blossom, you must grow. It made me think of the letters and Lily said the flowers could be like wallflowers, so I ended up buying it. Then on the inside were some boring clouds so I took a red sharpie and wrote a Perks quote: I know these will all be stories someday. And our pictures will become old photographs. We'll all become somebody's mom or dad. BUT RIGHT NOW, THESE MOMENTS ARE NOT STORIES. This is happening . . . This one moment where you know you're not a sad story. YOU ARE ALIVE . . .

Then I put ~Perks beside it, so I would always remember where it was from even if I was old and senile. I put it in red so I would think of a Stop Sign. Because I shouldn't be worrying about my future and where I go. I should just stop and live for the now. Then on the back cover, I wrote another quote in green sharpie: I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.

Then under it I wrote: The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

So that I would never forget where it came from, even when I'm old and senile. I wrote it in green because it was at the end of the book. I would be done writing the last page, and I would see it. Then I would know it was time to choose where I go from wherever I'll be when I write that last page. And when I am old and senile, I can go back and read it from the first quote, through every page, to the last quote. And I'll know.

I wrote a letter in the book yesterday. It was short, and it was simple, and I was happy when I wrote it. i can put it here, and give you two letters in one. I hope you don't mind. Here's what I wrote.

July 12, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today, my genius of a friend, Lily, was guiding us home from the movies. Guess what, we got . . . confused. I say we got lost, she says a bus confused her.

"I didn't get lost, the bus just confused me," she says. So we turned from where we were, went back to our starting point, then in the other direction! so the walk was a little longer than usual. It was tiring but it was really fun. We laughed a lot. But now we're throwing wads of paper at each other and she's got the paper so I have to go now.

Love Always,

Marisol

That was my letter from yesterday. It was really short, but I was laughing as I wrote it because Lily had both pieces of paper and was testing me and my nerves by pretending to throw it so I would freak out and it was funny for the both of us even though I had to be on edge for when she would throw. It was really fun to be at her home, and the movies, and the book store. The book store is my favorite place in the world. I want to work at the Barnes and Nobles nearest me when I'm sixteen, because sixteen is the youngest they'll take.

I wrote another letter in the journal at a little past midnight, and I want to put that in here too. It centers around Charlie and so I think you might want to see it. I'm not sure.

Here it is. It's the rest of my letter for today.

July 13, 2013

Dear Friend,

A thought occurred to me at 11:20ish p.m. on the 12th, and I wanted to write about it but I'd already ended the letter. So I took a shower and figured out that I could take a long shower and start my letter after midnight because it was be the next day already.

So, my thought was first centered on Charlie, the main character from Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I've come to realize Charlie is a guy I'd want as my very best guy friend. I say guy friend since I already have a very best girl friend (Lily).

I wish Charlie was real, and that we were best friends. I'd like to say there would be a chance of us falling in love, but I'm not the type of girl guys like or fall for. People tell me I'm pretty. Sure, I guess I'm decent. I have chocolate colored hair and it is wavy. I'm about five feet and six inches tall, and I actually don't know how much I weigh because I haven't been to the doctor for a check up in a while. I don't want to know, I feel fat – even if I'm to l d I'm nowhere near fat. I guess I could be pretty, but almost all of my friends are prettier than me. If we're out, they get the guy attention and my personality isn't enough to get a guy to like me. I guess I don't mind, I just wish I knew what it would take to get their attention while still being myself. It kind of, I dunno, hurts – not being good enough to be liked or to fall for.

Anyway, back to Charlie. He really is a great guy. He cares, he understands. He sees and he listens. He … he's there for you when nobody else is. If we were best friends, I'd be the best friend I could be.

There's another thing, Charlie and I have similar bits and pieces of family. We bother had a "Candy Grandma" and a "Cookies Grandma" but his Candy one was his mom's mom and his Cookies one was his dad's mom and mine was the other way around. We also have the "same cousins, different names" cousin dynamic. His were unsuccessful in life but mine are doing great. Yeah we have our differences like these, but I like that we have our similarities. That makes me happy, and I think I know the book characters I can relate to most. Ironically enough, they both were played by Logan Lerman in the film adaptations of the books.

My hero is Percy Jackson.

My other hero is Charlie.

They're both my most relatable characters.

Except, when Charlie smokes, drinks, and does drugs – it hurts me.

I just don't get it. I don't get why he drinks, smokes, or does drugs. I don't get why he hurts himself like that at all, with the intention of making himself feel better? I just don't get how anyone can see doing those things as a solution or an escape.

I'm asthmatic, and I don't want to make myself sicker by damaging my lungs further. I've also had different kinds of alcohol. Wines, beer, and a drop of tequila. I don't think I did it on purpose. I was little and it was an accident, because people put it in their drinks and I'd grab an adult's cup by accident thinking it was my own. When I was little, I just didn't like the taste. Now it just … I don't like what it does. My dad gets drunk once or twice every month and he isn't good to be around. Last night he came in and told me to turn everything off because everyone was sleeping and I was being too loud, but I wasn't. I turned it off anyway. Then he offered me cookies, got all mad, and told me I was only allowed to have one because I was fat and didn't need to gain more weight. I was in the bathroom later and he called me a bitch then told me he'd wake me up at five a.m. and seven a.m. since he had to be awake too.

I told him this after I got home from Lily's and he seemed shocked. So did my mom. I told her (when my dad wasn't in the room) that I didn't care because he'd said worse to me before. She looked at me confused but I didn't go into it. She'd never believe me and I didn't want to tell her. I'd start crying if I did.

But I don't like alcohol. It makes you sick and it tastes bad and it makes me really scared to be alone with my father – even if he's sober.

I don't like drugs either because I don't like losing control like that. I can lose control without drugs, liquor, and smokes.

So I don't get why Charlie, Sam, Patrick, or anybody does any of that.

And there were the mistakes. Charlie made a huge mistake that pretty much cost him all of his friends. But something happened and slowly things got better and it was fixed. That got me thinking of a necklace I bought around Christmas time, two years ago. Frances tore it off my neck a short while later. It's been almost two years but I never got around to fixing the chain. Thinking of Charlie, I want to go and get it fixed. Things break, and I've come to realize you can damage them, maybe shatter them completely. But do you know what makes me feel hopeful?

There is nothing that can't be fixed.

Love Always

Marisol


	7. July 16 2013

July 16, 2013

Dear Friend,

Today was a good day and it feels like a while since I had a good day. My last good day was when I saw Lily, and the concert two weeks ago (still the best day of my life). Today there were three birthdays. There was my dad's mom's seventieth birthday, Luke Robert Hemmings' seventeenth birthday, and my friend G's dad's birthday.

I like Luke a lot. He's from the Australian band, 5SOS (Five Seconds of Summer) and he's the youngest member. Do you know what he said once? He would date a fan two years younger, no younger than that, and I'm two years younger so I had a (very) tiny chance. As in, I can still hope and dream. So that makes me happy.

Today I went outside and hung out with the guys. I took a lot of pictures and I think I want to take up photography. I also got soaked by a hose-wielding Ethan – twice. Of course, I used the same hose to soak him back, which just made him want to soak me more. Basically, we both got drenched – him less than me. Later we were with the others and he would keep looking at me and laughing to himself because I was so wet and particles of dirt were sticking to me. I would grin just because I didn't mind being drenched (even though he ruined my hair) and I liked that he was happy and enjoying himself. I also made him jump a foot in the air each time I snuck up on him and tickled his sides. It happens to be really fun to sneak up on him and do that.

Which is why he rarely gives me the chance to by letting his guard down.

I also drank two bottles of powerade (one blue one red) and I was surprised at how good it tasted.

Today I spent more time outside with people than inside texting on my phone, and I think that maybe this is some type of progress.

Love Always,

Marisol


	8. July 18 2013

July 18, 2013

Dear Friend,

It's 6:40 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink since having awoken at one in the afternoon yesterday. I'm currently really hungry, even though I ate about seven or eight hours ago. I had a bowl of Lucky Charms, and It was yummy.

I had an excellent day yesterday, it was the second or third time Ethan drenched me (which of course I don't mind because I love water and it's hot outside anyway).

But I lay awake reading stories on Wattpad after staying up til three finishing a good movie, and it was all romance, humor, friendship, drama, and FICTION.

Friend, I'm scared. Why? Because I'm going back to my bad place. My sad, lonely, empty, painful and dark bad place. I don't know why I'm suddenly there again, but I do. I just feel so tired of being so lonely. I hate that I don't have that one person I can completely be myself with. that means I don't have that one person that I can go to for anything and everything. You, Friend, are amazing and I'm glad you're here but I can't see you and I can't hug you, or playfully shove you, or laugh as I softly bang my forehead against your shoulder moaning "why?", or just see.

I need someone I can do that with. I don't care who it is. It could be my older brother, my mom, an aunt, cousin, friend, or other, but I just need that someone! I need to know that I can find and have that person in reality, right there in front of me. That someone I can see, hear, and touch. Because I can't spend every second writing letters to someone I don't know because even though it helps a lot, it wouldn't help as much as having that someone. But I don't have that someone and it's hurting me. I'm slipping back into that sad, endless pit of darkness and I don't know how to get free without that someone. I'm being dragged in no matter how much I scream "I don't want to go back there," and I'm terrified.

If I'm sucked in now, I'll never make it out alive.

Love Always,

Marisol


	9. July 20 2013

July 20, 2013

Dear Friend,

My cousin's 21st birthday is today … I think. I'm not sure if he's twenty or twenty one. On the eighteenth I went to my grandma's seventieth birthday and my twenty four year old cousin (who is dating an incredibly hot twenty one year old Irishman) gave me about a glass and a half of some girly pink alcohol. I think I drank it because the Irishman was watching me with this grin that told me to do it because it was amusing him. On my second glass he told me in Ireland people usually began drinking at fourteen and we laughed together and joked at how I was starting at the perfect age.

I knew he was seven years older but he had really bright, enticing blue eyes and blonde hair that was nice and he was about five-ten and I'm like five-six so it was cool and he looks happy with my cousin and he's really fun and I think he'd be a great friend to have around even if he might be a wee bit of a bad influence. Everyone in the family loved him which made my cousin really, really happy because the entire family never liked one of her many boyfriends.

But anyway, let's forget about the Irishman for a second and focus on my cousin. Let's call her Cara for the reason that she is beyond beautiful and fit like everyone thinks that model Cara is. She's twenty four, as in ten years older than me. She's very attractive and that makes me sad because she attracts all of the wrong guys (except for the Irishman), and because I can never look that pretty. I wish that I looked like her and I am being completely honest when I say if I could look totally IDENTICAL to just ONE person, it'd be her. Not some model or actress, her. She's really smart and fun and sweet and great. I wish I was just like her, we even want to do the same thing. Psychology. She wants to be a child psychologist , I just want to be anyone's psychologist because I'd help everyone who needs or wants my help. She's the one who offered me the pink girly stuff, half joking half have-at-it. So I took it. But then after the party I felt like the world's biggest hypocrite. So I swore to Percy Jackson, Jack Frost, Kayla, A, and myself that I would NEVER drink alcohol again. And I won't, Friend, I swear.

Love Always,

Marisol


	10. July 25 2013

July 25, 2013

Dear Friend,

"What's depression feel like?" if you ever asked me – I could give you two answers. One hits me harder than the other. The one that doesn't hit me too bad (but is saying basically the same thing as the one that does) is: It's like I'm screaming, but nobody can hear me.

The one that hurts: It's like drowning. Except you can see everyone around you breathing.

This hits hard because in my happy place, Percy Jackson is my demigod twin brother and Poseidon is my godly parent and so drowning is impossible, but I know depression feels like drowning while everyone else gets to breathe.

You're probably wondering why I'm suddenly talking like this when I was fine less than a week ago. Friend, I woke up on Friday to be told by David that my mother had been taken to the hospital. This was I think the fifth time in eleven months. The last four times it had to do with gastro-intestinal stuff, but this time it was because she'd gotten pneumonia. That scared me because my mom and I both have asthma so getting pneumonia would be worse for us since we already have respiratory "diseases". She stayed at the hospital from Friday to Wednesday. She should have been home Tuesday but her asthma kicked in and caused problems so she had to stay an extra night. My grandma also came on Saturday and left on Monday. That was torture because I had to share my room with her since I have a bunk bed. I was fine with her needing to sleep early since she's old, but she SNORED, GURGLED, HACKED, COUGHED, and breathed far too loudly for a normal human being. She also wakes up early, so I would be up all night trying to sleep, finally getting shut eye AFTER the sun was up. I would go to sleep when she was out of my room, so I'd sleep from six or seven a.m. to about one or two p.m. I got in trouble for sleeping late and it wasn't even my fault. Since then my sleep schedule's been off.

I can't get any shut eye at night thanks to her. I haven't slept a wink today and its 6:32a.m. right now. I didn't get sleep at night last night either, and I tried fixing it on Tuesday, planning to stay up and help my mom but she never came and I crashed at around noon. I don't know how I'm going to fix my sleep schedule, I'm probably going to crash again in a few hours, waking up to be up all night again. My family just lets me sleep, too! They don't wake me up, and if they do they wake me up and leave which just results in my passing out again. So I get in trouble even when I finally drag myself out of bed at three, four, or even at five in the afternoon.

It doesn't help that Frances and I have also been sick. He got well around Tuesday but we both showed signs of illness on Friday. Everyone gave him medicine and food and treats and care while my mom reminded me by text to take huge, rancid tasting pills every twelve hours (which also didn't help my sleep schedule). It bothered me that I wasn't allowed to rest and such, or be offered some nice chicken soup, while he was. Then when my mom got home yesterday I asked her if I could go outside and she said no! She threw the "you're sick" card in my face! Of course, when Frances heard "outside" he threw a tantrum so I had to take him with me which meant I couldn't play manhunt with the guys. I missed out on two whole freaking rounds before I made a deal with Frances for him to go inside.

Deal was I'd let him play with my 3DS if he went inside so he did. I just hate that I had to give him my stuff to make him go away. Every day he asks me "can I play your Nintendo thwee-DS?" and I say no because one –it's mine and two – he erased my file on my the legend of starfy game instead of the file I gave him. He also doesn't know how to properly play any of my videogames and he changes games just by popping one game out while the game is running (which freezes it and damages the game) and putting in a new game.

Steering away from Frances, I'm also in a foul mood lately because of A – he's one of the two boys from that I befriended. We've known each other for over a year, talking daily for hours by text. Then on June 18th he left the country for a month, comes back and gets mad at me saying I'm being distant. He also said he left his phone at a friend's house for two days and got _one_ text from me, but when he did the same thing a few months ago he'd gotten about twenty texts from me. He says our relationship is changing badly, I apologized, he said not to be sorry.

He said I should help him fix it. But I don't know how! It's his fault I've gotten so used to not having him around. He hasn't texted me in two days.

And finally, my phone is being weird. It happens to be saying I have no more room to store visual voicemails even though I cleared out all visual voicemails already. It says my phone is low on storage space so I went from having 2,000+ photos to about 210 photos. I also deleted my gaming apps and some of my songs. Along with that my phone is saying I no longer can receive text messages as I have too many so I went and deleted EVERY SINGLE TEXT I HAD but it still says I have too many texts. And everything is glitching and shutting me out. Basically I think my phone has a virus, and I know I need a new one.

I just can't AFFORD one.

Plus on this sleepless night I was left to my thoughts and that brought on a very frustrated and depressed mood. Suddenly it feels like I'm doing the one thing I can't.

Drowning.

Love Always,

Marisol


	11. July 26 2013

July 26, 2013

Dear Friend,

I think things are getting better. It feels like I can breathe again, and like everything is easier again. I've been hanging out with the guys, and a girl named Erika.

They make things easier, and things are just really good now. We got breakfast together and laughed and acted ridiuclous. Right now we're sitting around a table in a library, being way too loud to be in a library. I reread Percy being dragged into Tartarus in Mark of Athena. I didn't cry this time, I couldn't cry over a "story character" in front of my friends.

I never got to finish this letter. But it was a really great day.

Love Always,

Marisol


	12. August 22 2013

August 22, 2013

Dear Friend,

I'm sorry I've been gone for so long. A lot has changed. I thought it would all get better. I was wrong.

On the 10th, three major things happened.

One- I got to hang out with an old elementary/middle school friend – which was really fun until we met with another friend at a park three blocks from my house. While I sat on a swing they played a stupid game where they threw a – heavy – basketball to each other OVER the top of the swing get. It ended up fracturing one of my old friend's fingers. Later, she and I went back to my place and watched a movie later on in my bed.

Two- Two boys between the ages of eleven and twelve told me to kill myself and laughed at me. I almost burst into tears, but I told my friend what they said- voice shaking and eyes full of tears – so she cheered my up before I started sobbing. The boys may not have known it but they simply told me things I've already thought of. Nobody hates me more than I do. But they didn't know that.

Three- Between 7:30p.m. and 7:45p.m. I told Ethan that I like him. He took it well, but I know he's awkward about it. I regret telling him sometimes because it made our already complex friendship take about ten steps back. But now I have nothing to hide. So that was a pretty … eventful day.

On August 16th, Lily came over and met Ethan and the others. She took a liking to Frosty, but only in a friend way. I also caught Ethan and Frosty (with a two second gap between each catch) in manhunt. Those goofs let their guard down because they're much faster than me, so I just snuck up on them! #NeverLetYourGuardDown! About 20 minutes later Frosty nearly made me cry with a "joke" (Some friend he is), and Cara made me laugh before I cried a river saying "he's short, he's ugly, he's got nothing going for him."

Later I told her I was scared that when she was finally in the group the others would like her more and start leaving me, and do you know what she said?

"I'd drop them before I ever dropped you."

That made me really happy. I've never really been the important friend in a group, and to know she cared felt really good. After hanging out with the guys, we went home and watched a movie in my bed. We got pizza too and she liked it, even though she doesn't like pizza. She went home just before 10pm. We also found out that we got mixed in school. In freshman year, we met because we were in the same homeroom, FM3, and had no classes together. This year we have AP World History together, but I'm in SM9 and she's in SM3.

I'm going to miss seeing her at the beginning and end of each school day.

My friend came home from camp, I missed him a lot. I'm 100% comfortable with him, and he's like a little brother to me. He's 12, born January 18, 2001. I'm not sure how far apart we are age wise, but he's going to grade seven so we're three grades apart since he started late. He's Jewish, but he doesn't act like he is. He wears snapbacks instead of the little hat thing (unless its school time since he goes to an all Jewish school), and dresses totally normal. He also looks kind of Hispanic, he's Moroccan. He's going to meet Lily when she's here Friday. I bet they

Ll get along well.

Over the last ten days, no wait twelve days, the two boys have called me stupid, and fat. They only told me to kill myself that one time. One of them along with another kid made mean jokes about me today. I walked back to my building, sat curled up on some stairs, and cried before I lit a wall on fire. Don't worry, I put it out and peeled off the paint.

Fire is an outlet for me. So is water. I do something with either when I need to. I might be a pyromaniac (or a hydromaniac if that exists), but I don't know. Later, about two minutes later, I wiped my tears and went back out. I knew the guys had started a game of manhunt and I followed them, whistling to get Mark's attention. He ran toward me and made sure if I was okay or not. I started crying again when Frosty and the boy showed up, but I collected myself and we set off for manhunt. We didn't try hard, and ended up getting ice cream.

Mr. Softie has the best ice cream in the UNIVERSE okay? Mark had enough money for a slushie and an ice cream, offering to me but Frosty wanted it more so I declined so Mark bought for Frosty. The fat comments were in my head, which is really why I declined. I ended up sharing Mark's slushie though, which was nice. He didn't have to share, but he did. That was a small gesture but I was touched.

People don't have to care, but they do.

On a not-my-life-but-related-to-it note, Liam Payne hates us (it seems like it anyway) because a lot of girls have been sending massive amounts of hate to his girlfriend Sohpia. This makes me sad. Next, Zayn Malik is now engaged to Perrie Edwards. I'm happy for him but this bothers me because I just … it means they'll all grow up and fall in love. I've always known I never had a chance, but I'd hoped.

That hope is slowly dying out.

Love Always,

Marisol


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